Helpful Definitions

Humor: The quality of being amusing or comic, esp. as expressed in literature or speech. Sarcasm: The use of irony to mock or convey contempt.

Get Cougarlicious

cougar by papapishu - Source: <a href=

Practically every gal who's over forty or so in Hollywood is doing it, so, if you want to lead an adventurous, celebrity-style life,  you should too.  Get Cougarlicious, I mean.  

Demi Moore was 15 years older than Ashton Kucher.  Word has it she's got a new guy who is 12 years younger. Susan Sarandon got rid of much younger partner, Tim Robbins, and took up with a guy even younger, a 31 year old . Mira Sorvino is 14 years older than her hubby. Fifty-four year old Sharon Stone has a hunky, Australian, 27 year old beau. Nick Cannon is 14 years younger than wife, Mariah Carey. Madonna has evidently made a pact with herself to never date another guy over thirty.  Her current boyfriend is 24.  Soon, she'll be fighting it out with daughter, Lourdes, over the cute guy they met down at the gym.  J Lo's backup dancer honey, Casper, is also 24. 

So, in a desperate cry to make folks think you are still young, hot, and relevant in order to keep up with these Hollywood Divas and show the world that you, too, are sexy, and desirable, you need to immediately dump your significant other and hook up with your very own younger man.  I hear Robert Pattinson is back on the market. 

You will, of course, THANK ME LATER!

Note: I never said I was going to take my own advice; I only said I was going to tell you how to live a fabulous, amazing, celebrity-style one. I personally already have a boy toy since my DH is 46 days younger than me. Anyway, even if I weren't already a bit of a cougar, I am much too busy and set in my ways to go around trying to romance a younger man. Besides, from my personal experience as mother to 21 and 24 year old guys, they are messy, eat too much, don't always smell great, and don't even leave the house to go out to a party until about 10:00 or 11:00.  As someone who goes to bed about 9:30 (to SLEEP), I don't really think I could manage hours like that. And, you could probably guess this about me by now: if I was back on the market, I'd be more interested in a guy who looked like this:


YTML GEAR! (Coming to a Blog Near You Really, Really Soon!)



I have recently learned that the hot new trend for us Lifestyle Guru types is to have a "collection" curated by us for you to buy as you travel on your journey to living an exciting and awesome life. These items are supposed to be so great that you will open up your wallet and send me wads of cash.  Or, maybe they're just supposed to have that cachet that comes with being able to say you bought it here.  Not that it matters. What matters is that I can overcharge provide you with stuff you don't really need or want just have to have because I, your personal lifestyle guru, is the one shilling selling it.

Now, don't run over there and waste your money on her stuff, but as an example of what I'm talking about, you should check out 18 foot tall, 72 pound Gwenyth Paltrow's collection at GOOP.COM.  There you will find jeans that cost you $200, a plain white tee for $90, and a couple of string bikinis that will set you back $185 each.  Buy these at your own risk, gentle readers, because I guarantee that if you do, you will see yourself coming and going. Plus, I hate to break it to you, but 99% of you will not look very good in those bikinis.  They are made for gals shaped like Gwenyth, and let's face it, that ain't you or me.

Nope, what you need to do is save up your money for the fabulous YTML gear that I'm going to be rolling out really, really soon.  Trust me, you're going to love it.  In fact, if you want to be assured that you'll get it, you should probably just send me a couple of hundred dollars right now. That way, you'll be first in line when I get my line curated.

As always,  You'll Thank Me Later


BTW:  I am thinking about including one of these with every purchase. What do you think?


Summer Beauty Tips, Part IV: Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow


Naturally, in the summer time, people want to look their best. That's why everyone goes on a diet in late May. And why magazines are able to recycle the same "Get Ready for Summer" issues every year. I, of course, have taken a different, and better, approach. I have given you highly lame USEFUL advice that I've made come up with during my short vast experience as a Lifestyle Guru. Today's advice is no exception; enjoy these helpful hints having to do with your hair.

Many people find that they just wake up one day, look in the mirror, and realize that they are in a big old hair rut. Sometimes, men will find that the rut they are in is that they no longer have any hair on their heads to speak of, well, except for that stuff growing out of their noses and ears.  If this describes you, or even if it doesn't, you really need to consider changing your hair.  Having exciting hair is a fun way to get yourself noticed. And, since you haven't got much else that makes you stand out from the crowd, you should take my advice, pick out one of these hairstyles, and get yourself on over to the closest "Hair Artist".





If you don't like any of these, remember you can use Google Image search and find one you like. Here's a link that I've already checked out.  It has some really awesome hair styles. Great Hair Styles .

Don't forget, even celebrities need hair do-overs. Remember this?
Thankfully, he wised up:

If, however, you are like me and you look so fabulous that you do not need to change up your hair just now, I suggest you instead download a good book like this one The Madams of Mischief, pour yourself some of that yummy sangria you made using my recipe the other day, and listen to this:
or this

No matter which option you choose, You'll Thank Me Later


Summer Beauty Tips Part III: For the Men

Dear Gentlemen, If you wish to be thought of in the same vein as one of these guys:

It is IMPERATIVE that you do not dress like this guy:



You, and EVERYONE else in the free world, will THANK ME LATER!

Summer "Beauty" Tips, Part II

girl at beach by rg1024 -

To live a fabulous life while dealing with really, really hot temperatures is, gentle readers, a very difficult thing to do.  If your lifestyle has been disrupted by 100 plus degree temperatures, power outages, and broken air conditioners, I suggest that you grab your passport, a few thousand dollars, three or four credit cards, a couple of bikinis (you're going to Europe, they don't CARE if you don't have the body for a bikini, so just grab a couple down at the Wal-Mart local boutique and go with it) and get yourself on the quickest plane to Europe.  Now, I've never personally been there (George: call me!), but judging by the photos, Como, Italy seems to be just about one of the best places to go.  You can go out on a boat:
or ride motorcycles:
or just hang around, looking pretty:

If, like me, though, you are a very busy and important person, you may be stuck here at home. In that case, the best beauty tip I can give you is to find somewhere cool, put on the loosest clothing you can find, download a good book (like this one: The Madams of Mischief, available at Amazon.Com), find a comfy spot, kick back, and drink sangria. Here's a recipe and a little inspiration.  (Okay, so technically, these weren't beauty tips, but, still, You'll thank me later.) 

Berry Fruity Sangria:
1 bottle of red or pink wine (I prefer red)
2 or so cups of mixed berries (blackberries, blue, raspberries, strawberries...go with the frozen ones)
2 or so cups of orange juice, cranberry and/or pineapple juice (I like a mixture)
1/4 cup of lemon/lime juice
2 oz of blackberry liqueur (I leave this out if I don't have it)
orange, lemon, lime, pineapple slices 
stir it, taste it, add more juice if you think it needs more, and let sit in the fridge overnight or, if you can't wait, drink it right away, but know that it tastes better when it sits. 

Now, the recipes I've seen online usually call for ginger ale.  Personally, I don't add anything else to my sangria except a lot  of ICE.  After two or three, your S.O. will start to look like this: 


Summer Beauty Tips: From Head to Toe, Part I

Foot with Anklet by Deluge -




I know you all have been anxiously awaiting my return from my amazing and awesome adventures so you can continue your journey toward having an amazing and awesome life, too.  Well, I'm now back and I've decided to post a series on Summer Beauty Tips: Head to Toe. We're going to start with the toes, mainly because I'm lazy very busy and White Wave, who leads an adventurous life and writes about it at The Adventurous Life of Mine already wrote a great tip about giving yourself a foot bath when you're super busy.   Here is her post, which originally appeared on her blog on May 11, 2012:
A few weeks ago, I told you how to save money and still get in a quality gym-like workout wherever you are, whether you belong to a gym or not. (Do your workout at a local sporting goods store.) Today, I have a new way to pamper yourself at little to no cost. At the end of a long day, there is nothing I would like more than a nice foot bath-but who has time for that luxury? Not me. I get home, and there is dinner to make and posts to write and weeds to pull. My solution? A teaspoon of Epson salt diluted into 2 quarts of warm water, equally divided into 2 galoshes. This is your foot bath on-the-go. Just slip into the salt-water-filled galoshes and go about your day. You may look silly, but you'll treat your feet sweet, and they'll take you anywhere. You'll thank me later.


Thanks, White Wave, for that great tip!  Feet are important and it's always a good idea to treat your tootsies with kindness. Now that you've softened them up, it's time to spit polish them and make them shine. Well, you don't want to literally spit polish them; that would really be just a waste of time. Instead, you'll want to decide if your feet are pretty enough to show off. If not, you can just buy yourself a nice pair of closed-toe shoes and ignore the rest of this post. One word of caution to you ugly-footed folks: don't resort to socks and sandals, especially if you want to be a fancy celebrity. Socks with sandals just screams "I'm a hippie" or "I'm a nerd" or, worst of all, "I'm a hippie nerd!".  Instead, invest in an expensive and impractical pair of shoes that cover up those nasty dogs. Something like this: 
Just the Right Shoe Woman's Shoe Teetering Court - (in Purple Shoe Box) The pump, originally worn only by men, established itself as a symbol of privilege in 18th century French Society.   With the heel placed impractically under the arch, women teetered and endured pain as the foot pressed forward to cramp the toes.Which you can buy at www.cuddlycollectibles.com for $32.99, a total bargain if you ask me. 

For those of you who do not have funky looking feet, you first need to evaluate your toe cleavage. I am not making this up. Toe cleavage is apparently very important and you need to make sure yours is up to par. Here, for example, is a picture of the toe cleavage of some chick named Selita Ebanks, who is already living the celebrity lifestyle, as you can see by her use of the "pose". To see some other pictures of celebrity toe cleavage, go to http://www.thefrisky.com/photos/18-daring-examples-of-celebrity-toe-cleavage/celeb_toe_cleavage1/ , which is where I found the picture, copyrighted, no doubt. 
If you don't have pretty toe cleavage like Selita, don't despair. You can go to the Institute Beauté, and have the foot doctor to the rich and famous, a Dr. Levine, fix you right up. She'll shorten your toes (that's how you get toe cleavage) for a mere $2500 per toe. Sure, you're risking permanent disability, but that's the price you gotta pay for a fancy, amazing life. (No, I'm not springing for the surgery. I have pretty toes already.  Plus, I'm a big chicken who hates needles and even the word surgery makes me nervous.) 

Once you've had your operation, which you'll hopefully heal from without any permanent side effects,  y'all will want to paint your toes up real pretty. I suggest using a 5" paintbrush if you are in a hurry. That way you can slap that polish on in a few seconds. If, on the other hand, you are like me and don't have the artistic touch, head on down to your local pedicure palace and get your toes painted by a professional. It's well worth the time and money. If you're lucky, they'll even have a heated massage chair for you to get jiggled about in while your personal pedicurist touches up your tootsies. 


Once your toes are all gussied up, you're going to also want a pair of impractical shoes, but ones that show off all your effort. I suggest these, which I found at ifshoescouldkill.com
While you are out shopping for fancy, impractical shoes like these, go ahead and buy yourself a pair of crutches so you'll have them at hand when you fall off the shoes and break your leg. I know, but it's inevitable. Like I've already said, pain and sacrifice are part of the price you gotta pay if you want to live a fancy, important, celebrity-like lifestyle. You'll Thank Me Later, especially when you-know-who notices your sexy feet and dumps whats-her-name, so he can take you out on the town. 

What to Name Your Children


People have just been forgetting to ask me clamoring for me to share with them advice on what to name their children, so, obviously, I must comply!  As you may know, the list of the top ten most popular baby names for boy and girl babies from 2011 was released a few days ago.  This information comes from the Social Security Administration and is based on applications for SS cards.  Here are the names on the list so that you will not make a serious error by picking one of them when naming your own tot.

The top ten most popular boys names are:
1. Jacob
2. Mason
3. William
Baby boy sitting by papapishu - The baby can hold something in his hands: a rattle, a bottle...4. Jayden
5. Noah
6. Michael
7. Ethan
8. Alexander
9. Aiden
10. Daniel

The top ten most popular girls names are:
1. Sophia
2. Isabella
3. Emma
4. Olivia
5. Ava
6. Emily
7. Abigail
8. Madison
9. Mia
10. Chloe

Folks, these are boring names. Under NO circumstances should you name your children any of those names! You do not want your child going through life with the same old name as every other Jacob, Mason, and Sophia has.  When I was growing up all of the girls were either Sherry, Pam, Cathy, Vickie, or Teresa.  Every other Sherry I've ever met has been about the same age as me. And, that just makes it next to impossible to lie about my age. So, do your daughters a future favor because no way will she be able to subtract, say 10 years, if you've named your little angel Isabella.  EVERYONE will know she was born in 2011 (and, worse, that you were a Twi-hard, especially if you named your son Edward)!

What, then, should you name your little bundle of joy? You could go the weird celebrity name route and choose exotic names such as Coco, Suri, Kal-El (son of Nick Cage), Pilot Inspector (son of Jason Lee), FiFi Trixibelle (daughter of Bob Geldolf), Destry (daughter of Steven Spielberg), and Moxie Crimefighter (son? of Penn Jillette).  These are just a very small sample of unusual names that those kookie celebrities have selected for their spawn. Sure, you could elect to pick one of these names, but, really, that just proves to others that you a) have no imagination and b) are a copy-cat.

No, gentle readers, you must be original in your choice of names, which is why I am here to help.  I highly recommend you consider a pun if you can possibly make it work (such as the ever popular Crystal Chanda Lear) or a play on sounds.  I, in fact, tried very hard to interest my daughter in a boy whose last name was Baba simply because she would then be L. Siska Baba and they could name their child Ali Baba.  She did not go for it, much to my consternation. My sons, I am ever hopeful, will have at least one daughter between them and will elect to name her SanFran Siska.  I think I might have a shot at that one.
Baby girl sitting by papapishu - The baby can hold something in her hands: a bottle, a rattle... a favourite toy...

If you don't have a name that lends itself to pun fun, then here are a few awesome names I came up with on my run today.  You just can't go wrong with ANY of these outstanding names!

1) Lacka Dasical (probably best for a girl)
2) Hypernica (good for either)
3) Micro Soft  (I'm thinking you don't want to saddle a boy with that one, but you might be able to snag some cash from Bill Gates for the free advertising.)
4) Piccadillo (boys, for sure)
5) Flippin' Awesome (that one is just about the most perfect name ever!)
6) Malbec Merlot (girls)
7) Vala Dictorian (subtle, but probably effective subliminal messaging)
8) Future Hokie (another bit of subtle subliminal messaging)
9) Notta Cavalier
and...... drum roll, please,
10) Drum Rolle

For those of you who have already had your kids, remember, it is NOT TOO LATE to give them a cool new name!  Changing names is relatively quick and easy. Here is the link to the form you fill out and have notarized for Virginia.  http://www.courts.state.va.us/forms/circuit/cc1411.pdf
 I found it in about eight seconds, so I'm sure you can find the one for your state equally quickly. Here in Virginia it costs $41 for a name change. Cheap, if you ask me, especially considering how much cooler your kid (or you) will be with that excellent new name.  So, gentle readers, do not settle for having named your child some boring name. Select one of my offerings or come up with a fun new name of your own and get that paperwork started. You, and your children, will THANK ME LATER!

P.S. You also could name your son Tuxedo Junction.  Maybe he will then be inspired to dress like this when he is rich and famous:






How to Get Rhianna's body...



As soon as I saw this: Get-Rihannas-body-just-25-minutes, I knew I had to share it with you, gentle readers.  It is, indeed amazing news! In fact, I would have been following the advice all along if I had known that it was all in the world I had to do to look like this


And, here, for years now, I thought that genetics and diet played a role.  Nope, all I needed to do, according to the article, was get a pedometer!  I actually have one of those, in fact. I'll bet I'll be posing for Esquire and Sports Illustrated's Swimsuit issue by the end of the month.  I'm so excited about this news that I'm going to Outback and have a Blooming Onion, a couple of margaritas (I missed Cinco de Mayo, so I'm behind on my tequila consumption), and a 16 oz. rib-eye, followed up by a chocolate lava cake or two.

So, walk, don't run down to your closest Wal-Mart and get yourself a pedometer and you, too, can join me in having a body like Rhianna's; no plastic surgery required! You'll thank me later. (Probably when you're lounging around the pool with you-know-who!)

How to Eat Like a Celebrity

Fast Food, Lunch-Dinner, Hamburger by Gerald_G - This Clip Art is part of a fast food menu set. Search for




Eating like a celebrity is one of the easiest ways to have a fabulous life.  As a bonus, if you eat like a female celebrity you will soon be so skinny, you will be able to fit into even the skimpiest bikini when you head off to Como to hang out at George's place.

That's because most female celebrities actually consume food only about once a week.  The rest of the time, they just hang out at restaurants, drinking wine and getting their photograph taken while they pretend to eat. In order to emulate this life style, you are going to have to 1) move to LA, or, perhaps, if you are more "artsy", to NYC; 2) start hanging out at restaurants like The Ivy or Bar Marmont; 3) program the phone numbers of the paparazzi into your I-Phone (on speed dial, of course), so you can get on friendly terms with them by calling and telling them when LiLo or a Kardashian or ten show up to not eat, which will lead to step 4) manage to get yourself into enough photographs with these folks so that people either start thinking you are a Kardashian or wondering just who the heck you are. Eventually, you'll be able to score a table of your very own to hang out around, not eating.

 If you are in the know, like I am, you will soon realize that passing out on a regular basis has its own set of problems, so, as a regular human being, you will, on occasion, have to resort to actually eating food.  Now, I don't want to scare you, but celebrities don't eat much normal food. They do not eat things like Genie's Unsalad, Salad.  They eat things like truffles (not the good, chocolate ones; the ones that pigs find in the forest) and goat eyeballs. The good news for you, though, is that because they so rarely eat, they usually have leftovers, and this is where you can get your own celebrity food to eat.  All you have to do is start hanging out at hotels frequented by celebrities.  If you are sneaky enough, you should be able to follow around the room service folks when they go to clear the dishes.  A distraction or two later, you can not only have your own tasty goat eyeball, but one that you might even be able to sell on e-bay (unless you are so hungry that you actually eat the damned thing).

I do have some good news for those of you who are a bit on the, shall we say, squeamish side.  For some reason, celebrities LOVE In-N-Out Burger.  Thankfully, these are all over the place in California. If you get to the point where you just gotta have some real food, for just a few bucks you can get a Double-Double, a basket of fries (or some onion rings), and a tasty chocolate shake.

If, on the other hand, you are forced to relocate to New York, you are in luck.  New York celebrities are much more likely to eat real food.  It will cost an arm and a leg, but at least you won't have to get intravenous fluids on a regular basis. The biggest drawback is that you'll probably have trouble squeezing into that bikini without serious plastic surgery.  Just remember, no pain, no gain. Wait...No gain, no pain?  Never mind.  Just pass me a slice and a couple of slabs of that cheesecake.

There, my friends, is all you really need to know about how to eat like a celebrity. You'll thank me later.

Guest Post: Workouts on the Go





Today, I am excited to have a post from a special guest Lifestyle Guru: White Wave.  She blogs at The Adventurous Life of Mine .  This post originally appeared on her blog April 6, 2012.

Thanks, White Wave for this great travel tip!  If you follow her advice, you'll be bikini-ready for your trip to Como with George and the boys!  (Yes, I did it again!)
Weights_2.jpg


Workouts On The Go.

Literally millions of health conscious women ask me every day, pleading, begging to know how they can continue their regular strength training workouts while on vacation. I will now answer all of those desperate health nutties in one post. The answer is both simple and free: find a sporting goods store. This can be easily done in almost any city in the world. Any sporting goods store worth its salt will invariably have a display of free weights, and, if you're lucky, maybe even a treadmill and a gymball. These are there for YOU. Use them. You may have to swallow a little pride, but, hey, who among us can't use a little shot of humility? The store certainly won't mind your demonstrating their product in everyday use. They'll consider it a favor, I'm sure. Just go in and do your thing. Swallow your pride and remember your commitment to health. You'll thank me later.

Your Lifestyle Guru's Guide to Gift Giving



First off, sorry to have taken so long to get this posted. As you know, Lifestyle Gurus live busy, important lives, and since I'm now a Lifestyle Guru, I've been busy, doing important and fabulous things. I'd tell you all about it, but it's vital that we Gurus carefully trod that fine line of keeping you wanting to be like us, while not making you feel despondent about not yet having such a fabulous life.

An important step for you to take on your road to living a life like mine is to learn the fine art of giving gifts.  Accordingly, I have come up with the following tutorial to help you on your way.

Giving gifts is notoriously tricky. First of all, you have to ALWAYS assume that the very next person you see will present you with a fabulous gift, which means, of course, that you have to be ready to reciprocate with a slightly better gift. That's because gift giving is all about winning. I know, I know, there's all that mumbo-jumbo about how it's "better to give than receive" and "it's not the gift, but the thought that counts", but, those are just crap sayings made up by people who suck at giving gifts in order to try and make themselves feel better. Since you don't want to suck or get talked about behind your back, or worse, snubbed, you need to prepare yourself with a gift cache. 

I recommend setting aside the whole upcoming weekend to get your gift cache ready.  You should start by purchasing a wide variety of fabulous gifts such as fancy soaps, fancy candles, fancy tea towels, fancy tchotchkes, some cute framed affirmations, a couple of impractical serving platters,   several different sized boxes of Godiva chocolates, ten or twenty bottles of wine (NO Two-Buck Chuck!), a couple of bottles of champagne, and  a few pieces of semi-expensive jewelry.  Buy a nice cedar-lined trunk to keep these things in and an assortment of the fanciest wrapping paper you can find. You will also need silk ribbons, handmade flowers and gift tags, and the best quality boxes you can find. Once you return home, cut up the credit card you used because if it isn't over your limit, it's probably close by now. You'll also want to be on the lookout for that bill and hide it from your significant other.  

Now comes the "fun" part: open a bottle of the wine (I'd go with the "Girls Gone Wine" Black Tie, myself, found at http://www.thegirlsgonewine.com/ ) and pour yourself a hefty glassful.  This is good wine, so be prepared to guzzle finish the rest of the bottle.  (Now you see why this is going to take the whole weekend.) Carefully and beautifully wrap each of your purchases. Be sure to attach a "favor" gift on top of each one and then, as an added bonus, stick a gift card or two in an envelope to attach later in case you need to boost your gift's value at the last minute.  
Wine Glass Clip Art

Once you've finished your wine, wrapping your gifts, stash them in your new trunk and sit back, fantasizing about what a great new fabulous life you are about to acquire. Picture yourself living it up at the Oscar's After Party and jetting off to Como to hang with George and the boys. (Yes, I did find a way to get more mileage, Genie.) You might want to open a bottle of the champagne you bought to celebrate. 

Now, I realize that this advice scares a few of you who just don't really have the stomach for an instant Life Makeover and refuse to go into debt to achieve a fabulous new life.  I understand.  I, too, don't really enjoy being poor.  For you, there are still ways to be pretty good at gift giving.  What you have to do is go to the "vintage" shops (aka "Goodwill" and "Salvation Army") in your hometown.  There you can purchase lots of really fabulous items for practically nothing if you search long and hard enough.

I must warn you, however, to clean the items before you wrap them. (I say this because twice in my life I have been the recipient of "re-gifted" items that were obviously well used. Presenting someone with a hot roller set with strands of hair entwined in the curlers is, well, just tacky.) Also PLEASE for the love of all things wonderful and fabulous, no matter how cute you think that doll dressed like Mrs. Claus sitting on a toy sleigh in Santa doll's lap is, DO NOT buy it for your gift cache. People will actually laugh and point at you as you walk down the street if you give one of those to someone as a "gift". They will not thank you, then or later. 

And, yes, you should still spring for the expensive papers, handmade goodies, and, of course, the wine. You can buy fewer bottles of the wine if you are planning to forgo giving it for gifts, which is always an option, but you really shouldn't skimp on the quality of it.  You are fabulous, after all, and who better to treat well than yourself?

And, of course, You'll Thank Me Later. (While I love me a good bottle of wine, I'm not like some folks. I don't see a thing in the world wrong with people gifting me with hard, cold cash. Or, a cute check. My name is spelled SHERRY, just in case you were planning on sending me a little token of your appreciation.)  

Happy gifting! 







Party Planning 101

As promised, today's post is all about how to plan and host the perfect party.  Now, you're going to want to take notes, no doubt, so I'll wait while you go get a fancy personalized notepad, clad no doubt in its own fancy leather jacket, and a gold embossed $200 Cross pen.  (What? You don't have those things? Well, you best be getting yourself on down to the stationary store and picking them up. They are an absolute MUST for living your best fancy life!)

The Ballad of the Journal Bandolier
 Now, for those of you still with me, here are the rules to planning and hosting the perfect party.

1) For the best, easiest party, you must always talk someone else into having the party at their house. And, get them to provide all of the food and drinks. Tell them you'd do it, but your house is under renovation. Offer them money, if you have to. (Note: Your house should ALWAYS be under renovation. It will save you a lot of hassle and give you excuses for not having it clean when unexpected company or, say, your mother-in-law, drops over.)

2) Come up with a complicated dress code that only you can possibly understand. You want to be the best and most appropriately dressed woman there. Go into debt to buy a killer outfit if you have to. You want all of the attention to be on YOU, right where it should be!

3) As a corollary to step two, under NO circumstances should you invite anyone who is prettier, smarter, richer, nicer, better-liked, or funnier than you.  It's YOUR party; no one should out shine you!

4) On a similar note, theme parties are fun, no matter what that snotty woman in the fourth cubicle said last time you were in charge of the office holiday party. I recommend that you come up with one that coordinates with your expensive outfit. And, that you invite everyone in the office but her. Parties, after all, are perfect vehicles for getting revenge!

5) At the party be sure to name drop extensively. Trade on EVERY and ANY slight connection you have to someone rich and/or famous.  "Oh, yes, Jim played baseball with George when they were kids back in Cincinnati. I keep telling him we should stop by and say "hey" to George next time we're in LA. Of course, last time we were there, George was over in Italy. I sure hated missing him."

6) Most importantly, remember: No Two-Buck  Chuck. Spring for the half-way decent stuff. Or, if you really can't afford it, then get a local restaurant to save up a bunch of empty wine bottles for you. Use a funnel to re-fill them.  Don't worry that they're all open. Just claim you're "letting the wine breathe".  No one will ever know the difference, unless you are stupid enough to invite over a wine expert, that is.

7) If you can't talk someone into having the party at their place, you might want to have a lawn party. Lawn parties are fairly easy. Just keep in mind these few items.

  • Tents are all the rage for parties these days. Do not, however, allow your significant other to take care of this step. The last thing you want is an army green pup tent and a plastic tarp set up in the backyard. 
  • If your S.O. is like mine, you will also want to banish the grill from the premises. 
  • And, do not ask him/her to tidy up that pile of debris that's out back under the oak tree. You might end up with a 12 foot high bonfire and a tree missing half its leaves. Just saying.GOVERNMENT CONTRACTOR GI US ARMY PUP TENT. USED
There you have it, part one of my tips on planning and hosting the perfect party.  You'll thank me later. 

(Part two will be available for a mere $3 in the form of an e-book sometime later this month. Look for it on a sidebar close to you.)

How to Lose Weight by Doing ABSOLUTELY Nothing

One of the most important functions of a Lifestyle Guru is to tell you how to lose weight. It is especially important for said guru to give you "new" and "different" and "better" advice than the other so-called Lifestyle Gurus out there in Guru land.  So, in keeping with tradition, and based on extensive research (I watched 10 minutes of The Biggest Loser, skimmed through Health magazine, and ate a low-fat chocolate bar.) I am here to give you the best weight loss plan ever.  If you follow this plan, I am sure you will lose a huge amount of weight, although my lawyer informs me that under no circumstances should I promise that this will happen because Lord knows the last thing I need on my hands is a lawsuit.  Therefore, you should be aware that results may vary, blah, blah, blah, legal mumbo-jumbo, and all that jazz.

The first plan is courtesy of celebrities who have big piles of cash at their disposal, so I realize that many of you are not going to be able to afford to follow it. In the event that you wish to make a sex tape and jump right into their midst, here it is: surgery.  I know, this is drastic, but come on, those women are either not having their own babies or they are having surgery shortly after birth. No one I know, even the most dedicated dieters/exercisers, were out prancing around in bikinis mere days after giving birth selling stories to magazines about how they did it all through healthy dieting and moderate, safe exercise.

Here, my friends, is a much more realistic plan, direct from the fictional planet gitong and shared with me via my communication (gurus, as Genie will point out in a comment, are widely known as being expert channelers) with their leader: gionrangtio'anognrao'gnraongta'poingn o'vaerng oae'r gora'e   gratg'ontgron t!

See, I told you! Best. Plan. EVER. As soon as you decipher it, let me know.  I was seriously confused by that last step!  As Genie will also point out, the key is to forgo food while repeating the mantra over and over until it makes perfect sense. At that point, you will be either skinny or stark-raving mad due to being crazy-hungry, in which case you won't give a dang about losing weight and you'll be ready for the chocolate recipe I've helpfully included below.

You'll thank me later.

I should remind you that the other major function of a lifestyle guru is to provide recipes for insanely rich and delicious chocolate confections so that when you get sick and tired of dieting and exercising, or when you need to reward yourself for losing a pound or two, you know where to turn.  Here's one to try:
Hot Fudge Pudding (recipe from Food Editors' Favorites Treasured Recipes) (This has a cakey layer on top with delicious chocolate gooey magic stuff on the bottom. It is highly addictive.)

1 cup all-purpose flour
2 teaspoons baking powder
6 1/2 tablespoons cocoa powder, divided (I like the dark chocolate powder)
1/2 tsp salt
1 1/4 cups granulated sugar
1/2 cup milk
2 tbs melted butter (use the real stuff)
1 tsp vanilla (again, use the real stuff)
1/2 cup light brown sugar
1 cup cold water

Sift flour, baking pwdr, 1 1/2 tbs cocoa, salt, and 3/4 cup of the sugar. Stir in milk, melted butter, and vanilla. Pour into well-buttered, 9 in square pan. Combine remaining sugars and cocoa. Sprinkle liberally over the batter. Carefully pour the cold water over this. Bake at 375 F for 45 minutes. This is AMAZING with a scoop of good ice cream just after you take it out of the oven. It's also delicious with homemade whipped cream. Or plain. Or cold, if there are leftovers. To see a picture of what it looks like, click on this link.  I didn't want to steal her picture without permission.

And, for this one, you'll be thanking me as soon as you stick a bite of it into your mouth!!!!!

http://superspark.files.wordpress.com/2007/02/chocolate-pudding-cake.JPG

How to Become a Celebrity



 

For those of you who are interested in making yourself rich AND famous, today's post will be about how to become a celebrity.  The good news, for me, anyway, is that to be famous one does not actually have to be good at anything. As near as I can tell, it is all about simply showing up at the right places, letting the paparazzi know you're going to be there, and posing for the camera. You do this enough times, get your name in the gossip and society columns enough, and you're on your way.  Oh, and it helps to have a tiny dog in a purse, as well.

When showing up at events covered by the celebrity press, the pose is all important, so you will want to practice it in your full-length mirror until you have it mastered.  As you can see from the photo, it involves jutting out one hip, putting hand on that hip, and looking back over your shoulder.  There are variations, but, as with my L.S.G. gig, I'm still a trainee, so I'm taking things slowly. Besides, some of those poses look like they use muscles that I haven't quite developed yet. The last thing I need is a strained tensor fasciae latae.  Speaking of lattes, if you are out and about during the day, it's vital that you carry around a giant Starbuck's cup.  My guess is that this is a key component of celebrity-hood, second only to the "sex tape".
Yes, I went there.  If you are really desperate and are willing to take a super short-cut, then a sex tape is an instant ticket to fame and forture.  Just look at Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton.  Overnight, they became super-celebrities and now they actually get paid to show up to parties and get married (and divorced just days later) and stuff!  If, like me, you are more modest and just can't imagine going that route, don't despair!  You can still have your dignity (sort of) and become a celebrity. It will just take a little longer and you may have to make other sacrifices to get there.

The most important thing to keep in mind is that you will have to, actually, leave your house and go mingle with others in a wide variety of settings, probably on a daily basis. The key is to see and be seen, always photo-ready, of course. You'll have to give up food because, lets face it, you ain't gonna get the super-skinny physique required by eating. You'll need to work out, likely for hours every day, probably while wearing super-inappropriate outfits. Plastic surgery may be required, unless you naturally have a Barbie-like figure (only with bigger backside), a perfect nose, and a six-pack ab region. Teeth will need to be ground to stumps and replaced with veneers, and you'll have to commit to spending most of your waking hours getting tanned, plucked, and exfoliated. If you prefer lazing on the couch with a bot-, um, I mean glass of wine and a good book, perhaps you will want to forgo the celebrity route and just settle for being notorious.  More on how to achieve that status at a later date.

So, there you have it: part one in my handy-dandy guide to becoming a celebrity. If you are interested in knowing the rest of my secrets, you're going to have to pony up some cash. I promise you, if you do so, You'll Thank Me Later.

Party On!


One of the main functions of a L.S.G. is to make you envy, and aspire to, his or her glamorous, busy life style.  Evidently, parties play a huge role in the life of all L.S.G.s, so, in accordance with my new career, I'm going to share with you my own party planning and party attending tips.  Today's post will be about party attending, because, lets face it, that's really the easier of the two tasks and I'm not sure I'm up to writing about party planning just yet. After all, I'm still just a trainee.


The first, and most important, tip I can give you is to try and get one of the above fellows to be your date. Basically, if you do that, you can just pretty much ignore the rest of this post and go have a nice glass of wine while feeling smug about how much cooler you are than the rest of us.

If you are not successful in landing one of those guys, then you're going to have to put a little work into being a successful party guest, meaning you're going to have to actually decide on what to wear.  And, that can be a really big problem. First, you've got to decipher the invitation. Are you to dress formal, semi-formal, tea-partyesque, business casual, cruise casual, casual casual, or in some other made-up designated dress protocol? Once you've deciphered the code, or think you have, you need to pick the outfit. And the shoes, purse, jewelry, etc. Plus, you have to have a sweater or jacket to go with your outfit.  I recommend a stylist. Now, I personally have never used a stylist, but, that's what the other L.S.G.s all use, so I'm sure they know what they're talking about.  If a stylist is out of the question, you really can't go wrong with a basic little black dress.  Sure, you aren't going to stand out, but that's a good thing because the LAST thing you want to do is look better than your hostess. She made up the dress code with the idea that she would be the most appropriately dressed woman in the room.  Give her the win.  That way, when you have your own party, she will repay the favor. Unless she's Angelina Jolie.  In that case, no one is going to be looking at you anyway, so you could show up in a paper bag if you so desired.

Now that the what to wear issue has been decided, you actually have to attend the party. This is the next place where things could get dicey. You don't want to be too early, arriving before your hosts have finished their showers, but you don't want to be too late either.  That's just asking for trouble.  No one wants to be right in the middle of a juicy piece of gossip about you and have you pop into the door right before they get to the good part!  Also, if you get there too late, you might miss out on all of the really tasty snacks.

Another tip is to always be sure to bring a hostess gift, preferably a decent bottle of wine.  No one can ever have too many bottles of wine.  BTW - Two Buck Chuck?  Good for lounging on the sofa in your pajamas; not a good hostess gift. Don't give folks an excuse to ridicule you behind your back for being cheap.

Finally, be sure to bring your camera and take lots of photos of the people at the party.  This is especially important to do after they've had a few drinks. You never know when you're going to need blackmail material.

You'll Thank Me Later.

House Cleaning Tips


Since I am keen on starting my new career as a Lifestyle Guru (herein after known as L.S.G. Since I am important and busy now, I have to take shortcuts when they make sense.) in today's post, I will share my top ten however many I can think of house cleaning tips.  You will want to take notes, no doubt.  These tips are guaranteed to change your life.


Random picture of pickles since I don't have any pictures of clean houses to share

1) Dusting is not fun. It involves moving things and spraying stuff and tedious things like that.  It is much easier just to blow.  If you decide to follow this tip, however, be aware that if you do this repeatedly over a short period of time, it is possible that you might pass out.  If you start feeling light headed while removing dust in this manner, my suggestion is that you fix yourself a nice cold (or hot if it's winter) beverage, grab a magazine, and rest for a couple of hours.  Don't worry. The dust will still be there when you're ready to resume your efforts.

2) Replace all of your light colored flooring with darker materials.  I highly recommend going with a "dirt" colored linoleum or tile. It will save you hours of labor.  I had a white floor in my kitchen for years. I can't tell you how much easier my life has become since we replaced that floor.  On reflection, though, the new floor wasn't quite "dirt-colored" enough.  Next time, I'm taking a sample from the yard when I go floor shopping. I suggest you consider doing the same.

3) Along the same lines, get lint colored furniture. While you're at it, get towels, underwear, socks, etc. to match. Come to think of it, just replace everything you own so that it's all the same color. That way, life will be much easier. No more pink bras or trying to figure out if your socks are black or blue and if they even match. I'm thinking that I'm going to just run with this dirt color scheme.  Sure, it might get tedious, but the time this frees up will give me hours more to not sleep!

4) Become a Lifestyle Guru (oops, I just cost myself fifteen seconds.) I mean, become a L.S.G. like me and once the big bucks start flowing, just hire a maid. That's what I'm planning to do.

Think positively and buy (future advertising message to be inserted here so that I can become filthy rich).

You'll Thank Me Later.

How to Become a Lifestyle Guru in 10 (or so) Easy Steps


I have decided to become a lifestyle guru. Why, you might wonder? Well, first of all, I need to earn a big bucket of money and, apparently, lifestyle gurus rake it in. I mean, just look at Rachel Ray, Oprah, Martha Stewart, Sandra Lee....I could go on and on.  These women make serious bank.  I am not greedy; I just want a tiny little piece of their pie: a couple million or so oughtta do it.

In order to fulfill my ambition, I spent the past couple of hours researching. This involved major effort on my part, folks. I mean, I had to sit on the sofa, wrapped in a blanket (it's cold in my house), and click that stumble button repeatedly. My wrists are cramping and my rear end is actually getting numb. However, no one can say I'm not willing to sacrifice for my new career.

What I have learned is that I need a snazzy website with a clever name.As you can see, I have, I believe, totally nailed this part of the job. Also,  I need some pretty photographs of food, beautifully decorated rooms, artfully coordinated outfits, and some advertisers.  That last one is the easiest of these items to come by since I am not a particularly gourmet cook, have a questionable decorating style (eclectic? early/late modern junk?), and typically wear pretty much the same basic slacks and 3/4 length vee-neck tee outfits every day.  My photography skills are okay, but I'm still learning to use my new camera, so that might slow me down a wee bit. But, I figure that like pretty much every thing in life, I can "fake it 'til I make it" on the food, decorating, and fashion fronts.  That or steal liberally from others. Evidently, when in the Lifestyle Guru game, this is not only the norm, but the highest form of flattery. Citing your sources is pretty much all it takes to solve that little problem. Hey, I'm an English teacher. Source citing, I know.

Finally, I have to just go for it. Believe in myself. Believe and achieve. Seek success and it will seek me. Breathe in positive energy and success and breathe out the negative. After reading page after page of positive, success oriented affirmations, I'm nothing if not overconfident. That's important for us Life Style Gurus. We have to always preach the power of positive thinking and have a kick-butt, can-do attitude and tell our minions, er, I mean followers, how they, too, can be successful if they just want it bad enough and believe!

So there we are: 10 (or something like that...I didn't really keep count; but that's beside the point, folks!) easy steps to becoming a L.S.G.Now, you'll have to excuse me while I go warn my bank to be on the lookout for all that money that's fixing to come rolling my way.

You'll Thank Me Later.