Helpful Definitions

Humor: The quality of being amusing or comic, esp. as expressed in literature or speech. Sarcasm: The use of irony to mock or convey contempt.

What to Name Your Children

People have just been forgetting to ask me clamoring for me to share with them advice on what to name their children, so, obviously, I must comply!  As you may know, the list of the top ten most popular baby names for boy and girl babies from 2011 was released a few days ago.  This information comes from the Social Security Administration and is based on applications for SS cards.  Here are the names on the list so that you will not make a serious error by picking one of them when naming your own tot.

The top ten most popular boys names are:
1. Jacob
2. Mason
3. William
Baby boy sitting by papapishu - The baby can hold something in his hands: a rattle, a bottle...4. Jayden
5. Noah
6. Michael
7. Ethan
8. Alexander
9. Aiden
10. Daniel

The top ten most popular girls names are:
1. Sophia
2. Isabella
3. Emma
4. Olivia
5. Ava
6. Emily
7. Abigail
8. Madison
9. Mia
10. Chloe

Folks, these are boring names. Under NO circumstances should you name your children any of those names! You do not want your child going through life with the same old name as every other Jacob, Mason, and Sophia has.  When I was growing up all of the girls were either Sherry, Pam, Cathy, Vickie, or Teresa.  Every other Sherry I've ever met has been about the same age as me. And, that just makes it next to impossible to lie about my age. So, do your daughters a future favor because no way will she be able to subtract, say 10 years, if you've named your little angel Isabella.  EVERYONE will know she was born in 2011 (and, worse, that you were a Twi-hard, especially if you named your son Edward)!

What, then, should you name your little bundle of joy? You could go the weird celebrity name route and choose exotic names such as Coco, Suri, Kal-El (son of Nick Cage), Pilot Inspector (son of Jason Lee), FiFi Trixibelle (daughter of Bob Geldolf), Destry (daughter of Steven Spielberg), and Moxie Crimefighter (son? of Penn Jillette).  These are just a very small sample of unusual names that those kookie celebrities have selected for their spawn. Sure, you could elect to pick one of these names, but, really, that just proves to others that you a) have no imagination and b) are a copy-cat.

No, gentle readers, you must be original in your choice of names, which is why I am here to help.  I highly recommend you consider a pun if you can possibly make it work (such as the ever popular Crystal Chanda Lear) or a play on sounds.  I, in fact, tried very hard to interest my daughter in a boy whose last name was Baba simply because she would then be L. Siska Baba and they could name their child Ali Baba.  She did not go for it, much to my consternation. My sons, I am ever hopeful, will have at least one daughter between them and will elect to name her SanFran Siska.  I think I might have a shot at that one.
Baby girl sitting by papapishu - The baby can hold something in her hands: a bottle, a rattle... a favourite toy...

If you don't have a name that lends itself to pun fun, then here are a few awesome names I came up with on my run today.  You just can't go wrong with ANY of these outstanding names!

1) Lacka Dasical (probably best for a girl)
2) Hypernica (good for either)
3) Micro Soft  (I'm thinking you don't want to saddle a boy with that one, but you might be able to snag some cash from Bill Gates for the free advertising.)
4) Piccadillo (boys, for sure)
5) Flippin' Awesome (that one is just about the most perfect name ever!)
6) Malbec Merlot (girls)
7) Vala Dictorian (subtle, but probably effective subliminal messaging)
8) Future Hokie (another bit of subtle subliminal messaging)
9) Notta Cavalier
and...... drum roll, please,
10) Drum Rolle

For those of you who have already had your kids, remember, it is NOT TOO LATE to give them a cool new name!  Changing names is relatively quick and easy. Here is the link to the form you fill out and have notarized for Virginia.
 I found it in about eight seconds, so I'm sure you can find the one for your state equally quickly. Here in Virginia it costs $41 for a name change. Cheap, if you ask me, especially considering how much cooler your kid (or you) will be with that excellent new name.  So, gentle readers, do not settle for having named your child some boring name. Select one of my offerings or come up with a fun new name of your own and get that paperwork started. You, and your children, will THANK ME LATER!

P.S. You also could name your son Tuxedo Junction.  Maybe he will then be inspired to dress like this when he is rich and famous:

How to Get Rhianna's body...

As soon as I saw this: Get-Rihannas-body-just-25-minutes, I knew I had to share it with you, gentle readers.  It is, indeed amazing news! In fact, I would have been following the advice all along if I had known that it was all in the world I had to do to look like this

And, here, for years now, I thought that genetics and diet played a role.  Nope, all I needed to do, according to the article, was get a pedometer!  I actually have one of those, in fact. I'll bet I'll be posing for Esquire and Sports Illustrated's Swimsuit issue by the end of the month.  I'm so excited about this news that I'm going to Outback and have a Blooming Onion, a couple of margaritas (I missed Cinco de Mayo, so I'm behind on my tequila consumption), and a 16 oz. rib-eye, followed up by a chocolate lava cake or two.

So, walk, don't run down to your closest Wal-Mart and get yourself a pedometer and you, too, can join me in having a body like Rhianna's; no plastic surgery required! You'll thank me later. (Probably when you're lounging around the pool with you-know-who!)

How to Eat Like a Celebrity

Fast Food, Lunch-Dinner, Hamburger by Gerald_G - This Clip Art is part of a fast food menu set. Search for

Eating like a celebrity is one of the easiest ways to have a fabulous life.  As a bonus, if you eat like a female celebrity you will soon be so skinny, you will be able to fit into even the skimpiest bikini when you head off to Como to hang out at George's place.

That's because most female celebrities actually consume food only about once a week.  The rest of the time, they just hang out at restaurants, drinking wine and getting their photograph taken while they pretend to eat. In order to emulate this life style, you are going to have to 1) move to LA, or, perhaps, if you are more "artsy", to NYC; 2) start hanging out at restaurants like The Ivy or Bar Marmont; 3) program the phone numbers of the paparazzi into your I-Phone (on speed dial, of course), so you can get on friendly terms with them by calling and telling them when LiLo or a Kardashian or ten show up to not eat, which will lead to step 4) manage to get yourself into enough photographs with these folks so that people either start thinking you are a Kardashian or wondering just who the heck you are. Eventually, you'll be able to score a table of your very own to hang out around, not eating.

 If you are in the know, like I am, you will soon realize that passing out on a regular basis has its own set of problems, so, as a regular human being, you will, on occasion, have to resort to actually eating food.  Now, I don't want to scare you, but celebrities don't eat much normal food. They do not eat things like Genie's Unsalad, Salad.  They eat things like truffles (not the good, chocolate ones; the ones that pigs find in the forest) and goat eyeballs. The good news for you, though, is that because they so rarely eat, they usually have leftovers, and this is where you can get your own celebrity food to eat.  All you have to do is start hanging out at hotels frequented by celebrities.  If you are sneaky enough, you should be able to follow around the room service folks when they go to clear the dishes.  A distraction or two later, you can not only have your own tasty goat eyeball, but one that you might even be able to sell on e-bay (unless you are so hungry that you actually eat the damned thing).

I do have some good news for those of you who are a bit on the, shall we say, squeamish side.  For some reason, celebrities LOVE In-N-Out Burger.  Thankfully, these are all over the place in California. If you get to the point where you just gotta have some real food, for just a few bucks you can get a Double-Double, a basket of fries (or some onion rings), and a tasty chocolate shake.

If, on the other hand, you are forced to relocate to New York, you are in luck.  New York celebrities are much more likely to eat real food.  It will cost an arm and a leg, but at least you won't have to get intravenous fluids on a regular basis. The biggest drawback is that you'll probably have trouble squeezing into that bikini without serious plastic surgery.  Just remember, no pain, no gain. Wait...No gain, no pain?  Never mind.  Just pass me a slice and a couple of slabs of that cheesecake.

There, my friends, is all you really need to know about how to eat like a celebrity. You'll thank me later.