Helpful Definitions

Humor: The quality of being amusing or comic, esp. as expressed in literature or speech. Sarcasm: The use of irony to mock or convey contempt.

What to Name Your Children

People have just been forgetting to ask me clamoring for me to share with them advice on what to name their children, so, obviously, I must comply!  As you may know, the list of the top ten most popular baby names for boy and girl babies from 2011 was released a few days ago.  This information comes from the Social Security Administration and is based on applications for SS cards.  Here are the names on the list so that you will not make a serious error by picking one of them when naming your own tot.

The top ten most popular boys names are:
1. Jacob
2. Mason
3. William
Baby boy sitting by papapishu - The baby can hold something in his hands: a rattle, a bottle...4. Jayden
5. Noah
6. Michael
7. Ethan
8. Alexander
9. Aiden
10. Daniel

The top ten most popular girls names are:
1. Sophia
2. Isabella
3. Emma
4. Olivia
5. Ava
6. Emily
7. Abigail
8. Madison
9. Mia
10. Chloe

Folks, these are boring names. Under NO circumstances should you name your children any of those names! You do not want your child going through life with the same old name as every other Jacob, Mason, and Sophia has.  When I was growing up all of the girls were either Sherry, Pam, Cathy, Vickie, or Teresa.  Every other Sherry I've ever met has been about the same age as me. And, that just makes it next to impossible to lie about my age. So, do your daughters a future favor because no way will she be able to subtract, say 10 years, if you've named your little angel Isabella.  EVERYONE will know she was born in 2011 (and, worse, that you were a Twi-hard, especially if you named your son Edward)!

What, then, should you name your little bundle of joy? You could go the weird celebrity name route and choose exotic names such as Coco, Suri, Kal-El (son of Nick Cage), Pilot Inspector (son of Jason Lee), FiFi Trixibelle (daughter of Bob Geldolf), Destry (daughter of Steven Spielberg), and Moxie Crimefighter (son? of Penn Jillette).  These are just a very small sample of unusual names that those kookie celebrities have selected for their spawn. Sure, you could elect to pick one of these names, but, really, that just proves to others that you a) have no imagination and b) are a copy-cat.

No, gentle readers, you must be original in your choice of names, which is why I am here to help.  I highly recommend you consider a pun if you can possibly make it work (such as the ever popular Crystal Chanda Lear) or a play on sounds.  I, in fact, tried very hard to interest my daughter in a boy whose last name was Baba simply because she would then be L. Siska Baba and they could name their child Ali Baba.  She did not go for it, much to my consternation. My sons, I am ever hopeful, will have at least one daughter between them and will elect to name her SanFran Siska.  I think I might have a shot at that one.
Baby girl sitting by papapishu - The baby can hold something in her hands: a bottle, a rattle... a favourite toy...

If you don't have a name that lends itself to pun fun, then here are a few awesome names I came up with on my run today.  You just can't go wrong with ANY of these outstanding names!

1) Lacka Dasical (probably best for a girl)
2) Hypernica (good for either)
3) Micro Soft  (I'm thinking you don't want to saddle a boy with that one, but you might be able to snag some cash from Bill Gates for the free advertising.)
4) Piccadillo (boys, for sure)
5) Flippin' Awesome (that one is just about the most perfect name ever!)
6) Malbec Merlot (girls)
7) Vala Dictorian (subtle, but probably effective subliminal messaging)
8) Future Hokie (another bit of subtle subliminal messaging)
9) Notta Cavalier
and...... drum roll, please,
10) Drum Rolle

For those of you who have already had your kids, remember, it is NOT TOO LATE to give them a cool new name!  Changing names is relatively quick and easy. Here is the link to the form you fill out and have notarized for Virginia.
 I found it in about eight seconds, so I'm sure you can find the one for your state equally quickly. Here in Virginia it costs $41 for a name change. Cheap, if you ask me, especially considering how much cooler your kid (or you) will be with that excellent new name.  So, gentle readers, do not settle for having named your child some boring name. Select one of my offerings or come up with a fun new name of your own and get that paperwork started. You, and your children, will THANK ME LATER!

P.S. You also could name your son Tuxedo Junction.  Maybe he will then be inspired to dress like this when he is rich and famous:

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