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Summer Beauty Tips: From Head to Toe, Part I

Foot with Anklet by Deluge -




I know you all have been anxiously awaiting my return from my amazing and awesome adventures so you can continue your journey toward having an amazing and awesome life, too.  Well, I'm now back and I've decided to post a series on Summer Beauty Tips: Head to Toe. We're going to start with the toes, mainly because I'm lazy very busy and White Wave, who leads an adventurous life and writes about it at The Adventurous Life of Mine already wrote a great tip about giving yourself a foot bath when you're super busy.   Here is her post, which originally appeared on her blog on May 11, 2012:
A few weeks ago, I told you how to save money and still get in a quality gym-like workout wherever you are, whether you belong to a gym or not. (Do your workout at a local sporting goods store.) Today, I have a new way to pamper yourself at little to no cost. At the end of a long day, there is nothing I would like more than a nice foot bath-but who has time for that luxury? Not me. I get home, and there is dinner to make and posts to write and weeds to pull. My solution? A teaspoon of Epson salt diluted into 2 quarts of warm water, equally divided into 2 galoshes. This is your foot bath on-the-go. Just slip into the salt-water-filled galoshes and go about your day. You may look silly, but you'll treat your feet sweet, and they'll take you anywhere. You'll thank me later.


Thanks, White Wave, for that great tip!  Feet are important and it's always a good idea to treat your tootsies with kindness. Now that you've softened them up, it's time to spit polish them and make them shine. Well, you don't want to literally spit polish them; that would really be just a waste of time. Instead, you'll want to decide if your feet are pretty enough to show off. If not, you can just buy yourself a nice pair of closed-toe shoes and ignore the rest of this post. One word of caution to you ugly-footed folks: don't resort to socks and sandals, especially if you want to be a fancy celebrity. Socks with sandals just screams "I'm a hippie" or "I'm a nerd" or, worst of all, "I'm a hippie nerd!".  Instead, invest in an expensive and impractical pair of shoes that cover up those nasty dogs. Something like this: 
Just the Right Shoe Woman's Shoe Teetering Court - (in Purple Shoe Box) The pump, originally worn only by men, established itself as a symbol of privilege in 18th century French Society.   With the heel placed impractically under the arch, women teetered and endured pain as the foot pressed forward to cramp the toes.Which you can buy at www.cuddlycollectibles.com for $32.99, a total bargain if you ask me. 

For those of you who do not have funky looking feet, you first need to evaluate your toe cleavage. I am not making this up. Toe cleavage is apparently very important and you need to make sure yours is up to par. Here, for example, is a picture of the toe cleavage of some chick named Selita Ebanks, who is already living the celebrity lifestyle, as you can see by her use of the "pose". To see some other pictures of celebrity toe cleavage, go to http://www.thefrisky.com/photos/18-daring-examples-of-celebrity-toe-cleavage/celeb_toe_cleavage1/ , which is where I found the picture, copyrighted, no doubt. 
If you don't have pretty toe cleavage like Selita, don't despair. You can go to the Institute Beauté, and have the foot doctor to the rich and famous, a Dr. Levine, fix you right up. She'll shorten your toes (that's how you get toe cleavage) for a mere $2500 per toe. Sure, you're risking permanent disability, but that's the price you gotta pay for a fancy, amazing life. (No, I'm not springing for the surgery. I have pretty toes already.  Plus, I'm a big chicken who hates needles and even the word surgery makes me nervous.) 

Once you've had your operation, which you'll hopefully heal from without any permanent side effects,  y'all will want to paint your toes up real pretty. I suggest using a 5" paintbrush if you are in a hurry. That way you can slap that polish on in a few seconds. If, on the other hand, you are like me and don't have the artistic touch, head on down to your local pedicure palace and get your toes painted by a professional. It's well worth the time and money. If you're lucky, they'll even have a heated massage chair for you to get jiggled about in while your personal pedicurist touches up your tootsies. 


Once your toes are all gussied up, you're going to also want a pair of impractical shoes, but ones that show off all your effort. I suggest these, which I found at ifshoescouldkill.com
While you are out shopping for fancy, impractical shoes like these, go ahead and buy yourself a pair of crutches so you'll have them at hand when you fall off the shoes and break your leg. I know, but it's inevitable. Like I've already said, pain and sacrifice are part of the price you gotta pay if you want to live a fancy, important, celebrity-like lifestyle. You'll Thank Me Later, especially when you-know-who notices your sexy feet and dumps whats-her-name, so he can take you out on the town. 

4 comments:

  1. I don't feel like a hippie or a nerd when I wear socks and sandals . . . I just feel German. (And there's nothing wrong with that!) Anyway, it makes for quite a nice ensemble with my liederhosen.

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  2. OMGosh?? Is that field mouse CHester, and his twin in those plastic stilettos? QUICK, animal rights hotline!!! hahahah
    what would you say socks and Tevas say about your man? thought so. yeah, i'm gonna FF up to that sangria recipe--GEORGE, TAKE ME AWAY!!!!

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  3. Yeah, about those guys and their socks/Teva combo....I gave up on that years ago. In fact, I pretty much gave up on making "helpful" suggestions as to how he should dress years ago. He a) doesn't care and b) thinks he looks good.

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