Helpful Definitions

Humor: The quality of being amusing or comic, esp. as expressed in literature or speech. Sarcasm: The use of irony to mock or convey contempt.

Get Cougarlicious

cougar by papapishu - Source: <a href=

Practically every gal who's over forty or so in Hollywood is doing it, so, if you want to lead an adventurous, celebrity-style life,  you should too.  Get Cougarlicious, I mean.  

Demi Moore was 15 years older than Ashton Kucher.  Word has it she's got a new guy who is 12 years younger. Susan Sarandon got rid of much younger partner, Tim Robbins, and took up with a guy even younger, a 31 year old . Mira Sorvino is 14 years older than her hubby. Fifty-four year old Sharon Stone has a hunky, Australian, 27 year old beau. Nick Cannon is 14 years younger than wife, Mariah Carey. Madonna has evidently made a pact with herself to never date another guy over thirty.  Her current boyfriend is 24.  Soon, she'll be fighting it out with daughter, Lourdes, over the cute guy they met down at the gym.  J Lo's backup dancer honey, Casper, is also 24. 

So, in a desperate cry to make folks think you are still young, hot, and relevant in order to keep up with these Hollywood Divas and show the world that you, too, are sexy, and desirable, you need to immediately dump your significant other and hook up with your very own younger man.  I hear Robert Pattinson is back on the market. 

You will, of course, THANK ME LATER!

Note: I never said I was going to take my own advice; I only said I was going to tell you how to live a fabulous, amazing, celebrity-style one. I personally already have a boy toy since my DH is 46 days younger than me. Anyway, even if I weren't already a bit of a cougar, I am much too busy and set in my ways to go around trying to romance a younger man. Besides, from my personal experience as mother to 21 and 24 year old guys, they are messy, eat too much, don't always smell great, and don't even leave the house to go out to a party until about 10:00 or 11:00.  As someone who goes to bed about 9:30 (to SLEEP), I don't really think I could manage hours like that. And, you could probably guess this about me by now: if I was back on the market, I'd be more interested in a guy who looked like this:

YTML GEAR! (Coming to a Blog Near You Really, Really Soon!)

I have recently learned that the hot new trend for us Lifestyle Guru types is to have a "collection" curated by us for you to buy as you travel on your journey to living an exciting and awesome life. These items are supposed to be so great that you will open up your wallet and send me wads of cash.  Or, maybe they're just supposed to have that cachet that comes with being able to say you bought it here.  Not that it matters. What matters is that I can overcharge provide you with stuff you don't really need or want just have to have because I, your personal lifestyle guru, is the one shilling selling it.

Now, don't run over there and waste your money on her stuff, but as an example of what I'm talking about, you should check out 18 foot tall, 72 pound Gwenyth Paltrow's collection at GOOP.COM.  There you will find jeans that cost you $200, a plain white tee for $90, and a couple of string bikinis that will set you back $185 each.  Buy these at your own risk, gentle readers, because I guarantee that if you do, you will see yourself coming and going. Plus, I hate to break it to you, but 99% of you will not look very good in those bikinis.  They are made for gals shaped like Gwenyth, and let's face it, that ain't you or me.

Nope, what you need to do is save up your money for the fabulous YTML gear that I'm going to be rolling out really, really soon.  Trust me, you're going to love it.  In fact, if you want to be assured that you'll get it, you should probably just send me a couple of hundred dollars right now. That way, you'll be first in line when I get my line curated.

As always,  You'll Thank Me Later

BTW:  I am thinking about including one of these with every purchase. What do you think?

Summer Beauty Tips, Part IV: Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

Naturally, in the summer time, people want to look their best. That's why everyone goes on a diet in late May. And why magazines are able to recycle the same "Get Ready for Summer" issues every year. I, of course, have taken a different, and better, approach. I have given you highly lame USEFUL advice that I've made come up with during my short vast experience as a Lifestyle Guru. Today's advice is no exception; enjoy these helpful hints having to do with your hair.

Many people find that they just wake up one day, look in the mirror, and realize that they are in a big old hair rut. Sometimes, men will find that the rut they are in is that they no longer have any hair on their heads to speak of, well, except for that stuff growing out of their noses and ears.  If this describes you, or even if it doesn't, you really need to consider changing your hair.  Having exciting hair is a fun way to get yourself noticed. And, since you haven't got much else that makes you stand out from the crowd, you should take my advice, pick out one of these hairstyles, and get yourself on over to the closest "Hair Artist".

If you don't like any of these, remember you can use Google Image search and find one you like. Here's a link that I've already checked out.  It has some really awesome hair styles. Great Hair Styles .

Don't forget, even celebrities need hair do-overs. Remember this?
Thankfully, he wised up:

If, however, you are like me and you look so fabulous that you do not need to change up your hair just now, I suggest you instead download a good book like this one The Madams of Mischief, pour yourself some of that yummy sangria you made using my recipe the other day, and listen to this:
or this

No matter which option you choose, You'll Thank Me Later

Summer Beauty Tips Part III: For the Men

Dear Gentlemen, If you wish to be thought of in the same vein as one of these guys:

It is IMPERATIVE that you do not dress like this guy:

You, and EVERYONE else in the free world, will THANK ME LATER!

Summer "Beauty" Tips, Part II

girl at beach by rg1024 -

To live a fabulous life while dealing with really, really hot temperatures is, gentle readers, a very difficult thing to do.  If your lifestyle has been disrupted by 100 plus degree temperatures, power outages, and broken air conditioners, I suggest that you grab your passport, a few thousand dollars, three or four credit cards, a couple of bikinis (you're going to Europe, they don't CARE if you don't have the body for a bikini, so just grab a couple down at the Wal-Mart local boutique and go with it) and get yourself on the quickest plane to Europe.  Now, I've never personally been there (George: call me!), but judging by the photos, Como, Italy seems to be just about one of the best places to go.  You can go out on a boat:
or ride motorcycles:
or just hang around, looking pretty:

If, like me, though, you are a very busy and important person, you may be stuck here at home. In that case, the best beauty tip I can give you is to find somewhere cool, put on the loosest clothing you can find, download a good book (like this one: The Madams of Mischief, available at Amazon.Com), find a comfy spot, kick back, and drink sangria. Here's a recipe and a little inspiration.  (Okay, so technically, these weren't beauty tips, but, still, You'll thank me later.) 

Berry Fruity Sangria:
1 bottle of red or pink wine (I prefer red)
2 or so cups of mixed berries (blackberries, blue, raspberries, strawberries...go with the frozen ones)
2 or so cups of orange juice, cranberry and/or pineapple juice (I like a mixture)
1/4 cup of lemon/lime juice
2 oz of blackberry liqueur (I leave this out if I don't have it)
orange, lemon, lime, pineapple slices 
stir it, taste it, add more juice if you think it needs more, and let sit in the fridge overnight or, if you can't wait, drink it right away, but know that it tastes better when it sits. 

Now, the recipes I've seen online usually call for ginger ale.  Personally, I don't add anything else to my sangria except a lot  of ICE.  After two or three, your S.O. will start to look like this: 

Summer Beauty Tips: From Head to Toe, Part I

Foot with Anklet by Deluge -

I know you all have been anxiously awaiting my return from my amazing and awesome adventures so you can continue your journey toward having an amazing and awesome life, too.  Well, I'm now back and I've decided to post a series on Summer Beauty Tips: Head to Toe. We're going to start with the toes, mainly because I'm lazy very busy and White Wave, who leads an adventurous life and writes about it at The Adventurous Life of Mine already wrote a great tip about giving yourself a foot bath when you're super busy.   Here is her post, which originally appeared on her blog on May 11, 2012:
A few weeks ago, I told you how to save money and still get in a quality gym-like workout wherever you are, whether you belong to a gym or not. (Do your workout at a local sporting goods store.) Today, I have a new way to pamper yourself at little to no cost. At the end of a long day, there is nothing I would like more than a nice foot bath-but who has time for that luxury? Not me. I get home, and there is dinner to make and posts to write and weeds to pull. My solution? A teaspoon of Epson salt diluted into 2 quarts of warm water, equally divided into 2 galoshes. This is your foot bath on-the-go. Just slip into the salt-water-filled galoshes and go about your day. You may look silly, but you'll treat your feet sweet, and they'll take you anywhere. You'll thank me later.

Thanks, White Wave, for that great tip!  Feet are important and it's always a good idea to treat your tootsies with kindness. Now that you've softened them up, it's time to spit polish them and make them shine. Well, you don't want to literally spit polish them; that would really be just a waste of time. Instead, you'll want to decide if your feet are pretty enough to show off. If not, you can just buy yourself a nice pair of closed-toe shoes and ignore the rest of this post. One word of caution to you ugly-footed folks: don't resort to socks and sandals, especially if you want to be a fancy celebrity. Socks with sandals just screams "I'm a hippie" or "I'm a nerd" or, worst of all, "I'm a hippie nerd!".  Instead, invest in an expensive and impractical pair of shoes that cover up those nasty dogs. Something like this: 
Just the Right Shoe Woman's Shoe Teetering Court - (in Purple Shoe Box) The pump, originally worn only by men, established itself as a symbol of privilege in 18th century French Society.   With the heel placed impractically under the arch, women teetered and endured pain as the foot pressed forward to cramp the toes.Which you can buy at for $32.99, a total bargain if you ask me. 

For those of you who do not have funky looking feet, you first need to evaluate your toe cleavage. I am not making this up. Toe cleavage is apparently very important and you need to make sure yours is up to par. Here, for example, is a picture of the toe cleavage of some chick named Selita Ebanks, who is already living the celebrity lifestyle, as you can see by her use of the "pose". To see some other pictures of celebrity toe cleavage, go to , which is where I found the picture, copyrighted, no doubt. 
If you don't have pretty toe cleavage like Selita, don't despair. You can go to the Institute Beauté, and have the foot doctor to the rich and famous, a Dr. Levine, fix you right up. She'll shorten your toes (that's how you get toe cleavage) for a mere $2500 per toe. Sure, you're risking permanent disability, but that's the price you gotta pay for a fancy, amazing life. (No, I'm not springing for the surgery. I have pretty toes already.  Plus, I'm a big chicken who hates needles and even the word surgery makes me nervous.) 

Once you've had your operation, which you'll hopefully heal from without any permanent side effects,  y'all will want to paint your toes up real pretty. I suggest using a 5" paintbrush if you are in a hurry. That way you can slap that polish on in a few seconds. If, on the other hand, you are like me and don't have the artistic touch, head on down to your local pedicure palace and get your toes painted by a professional. It's well worth the time and money. If you're lucky, they'll even have a heated massage chair for you to get jiggled about in while your personal pedicurist touches up your tootsies. 

Once your toes are all gussied up, you're going to also want a pair of impractical shoes, but ones that show off all your effort. I suggest these, which I found at
While you are out shopping for fancy, impractical shoes like these, go ahead and buy yourself a pair of crutches so you'll have them at hand when you fall off the shoes and break your leg. I know, but it's inevitable. Like I've already said, pain and sacrifice are part of the price you gotta pay if you want to live a fancy, important, celebrity-like lifestyle. You'll Thank Me Later, especially when you-know-who notices your sexy feet and dumps whats-her-name, so he can take you out on the town. 

What to Name Your Children

People have just been forgetting to ask me clamoring for me to share with them advice on what to name their children, so, obviously, I must comply!  As you may know, the list of the top ten most popular baby names for boy and girl babies from 2011 was released a few days ago.  This information comes from the Social Security Administration and is based on applications for SS cards.  Here are the names on the list so that you will not make a serious error by picking one of them when naming your own tot.

The top ten most popular boys names are:
1. Jacob
2. Mason
3. William
Baby boy sitting by papapishu - The baby can hold something in his hands: a rattle, a bottle...4. Jayden
5. Noah
6. Michael
7. Ethan
8. Alexander
9. Aiden
10. Daniel

The top ten most popular girls names are:
1. Sophia
2. Isabella
3. Emma
4. Olivia
5. Ava
6. Emily
7. Abigail
8. Madison
9. Mia
10. Chloe

Folks, these are boring names. Under NO circumstances should you name your children any of those names! You do not want your child going through life with the same old name as every other Jacob, Mason, and Sophia has.  When I was growing up all of the girls were either Sherry, Pam, Cathy, Vickie, or Teresa.  Every other Sherry I've ever met has been about the same age as me. And, that just makes it next to impossible to lie about my age. So, do your daughters a future favor because no way will she be able to subtract, say 10 years, if you've named your little angel Isabella.  EVERYONE will know she was born in 2011 (and, worse, that you were a Twi-hard, especially if you named your son Edward)!

What, then, should you name your little bundle of joy? You could go the weird celebrity name route and choose exotic names such as Coco, Suri, Kal-El (son of Nick Cage), Pilot Inspector (son of Jason Lee), FiFi Trixibelle (daughter of Bob Geldolf), Destry (daughter of Steven Spielberg), and Moxie Crimefighter (son? of Penn Jillette).  These are just a very small sample of unusual names that those kookie celebrities have selected for their spawn. Sure, you could elect to pick one of these names, but, really, that just proves to others that you a) have no imagination and b) are a copy-cat.

No, gentle readers, you must be original in your choice of names, which is why I am here to help.  I highly recommend you consider a pun if you can possibly make it work (such as the ever popular Crystal Chanda Lear) or a play on sounds.  I, in fact, tried very hard to interest my daughter in a boy whose last name was Baba simply because she would then be L. Siska Baba and they could name their child Ali Baba.  She did not go for it, much to my consternation. My sons, I am ever hopeful, will have at least one daughter between them and will elect to name her SanFran Siska.  I think I might have a shot at that one.
Baby girl sitting by papapishu - The baby can hold something in her hands: a bottle, a rattle... a favourite toy...

If you don't have a name that lends itself to pun fun, then here are a few awesome names I came up with on my run today.  You just can't go wrong with ANY of these outstanding names!

1) Lacka Dasical (probably best for a girl)
2) Hypernica (good for either)
3) Micro Soft  (I'm thinking you don't want to saddle a boy with that one, but you might be able to snag some cash from Bill Gates for the free advertising.)
4) Piccadillo (boys, for sure)
5) Flippin' Awesome (that one is just about the most perfect name ever!)
6) Malbec Merlot (girls)
7) Vala Dictorian (subtle, but probably effective subliminal messaging)
8) Future Hokie (another bit of subtle subliminal messaging)
9) Notta Cavalier
and...... drum roll, please,
10) Drum Rolle

For those of you who have already had your kids, remember, it is NOT TOO LATE to give them a cool new name!  Changing names is relatively quick and easy. Here is the link to the form you fill out and have notarized for Virginia.
 I found it in about eight seconds, so I'm sure you can find the one for your state equally quickly. Here in Virginia it costs $41 for a name change. Cheap, if you ask me, especially considering how much cooler your kid (or you) will be with that excellent new name.  So, gentle readers, do not settle for having named your child some boring name. Select one of my offerings or come up with a fun new name of your own and get that paperwork started. You, and your children, will THANK ME LATER!

P.S. You also could name your son Tuxedo Junction.  Maybe he will then be inspired to dress like this when he is rich and famous: