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Humor: The quality of being amusing or comic, esp. as expressed in literature or speech. Sarcasm: The use of irony to mock or convey contempt.

How to Become a Celebrity


For those of you who are interested in making yourself rich AND famous, today's post will be about how to become a celebrity.  The good news, for me, anyway, is that to be famous one does not actually have to be good at anything. As near as I can tell, it is all about simply showing up at the right places, letting the paparazzi know you're going to be there, and posing for the camera. You do this enough times, get your name in the gossip and society columns enough, and you're on your way.  Oh, and it helps to have a tiny dog in a purse, as well.

When showing up at events covered by the celebrity press, the pose is all important, so you will want to practice it in your full-length mirror until you have it mastered.  As you can see from the photo, it involves jutting out one hip, putting hand on that hip, and looking back over your shoulder.  There are variations, but, as with my L.S.G. gig, I'm still a trainee, so I'm taking things slowly. Besides, some of those poses look like they use muscles that I haven't quite developed yet. The last thing I need is a strained tensor fasciae latae.  Speaking of lattes, if you are out and about during the day, it's vital that you carry around a giant Starbuck's cup.  My guess is that this is a key component of celebrity-hood, second only to the "sex tape".
Yes, I went there.  If you are really desperate and are willing to take a super short-cut, then a sex tape is an instant ticket to fame and forture.  Just look at Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton.  Overnight, they became super-celebrities and now they actually get paid to show up to parties and get married (and divorced just days later) and stuff!  If, like me, you are more modest and just can't imagine going that route, don't despair!  You can still have your dignity (sort of) and become a celebrity. It will just take a little longer and you may have to make other sacrifices to get there.

The most important thing to keep in mind is that you will have to, actually, leave your house and go mingle with others in a wide variety of settings, probably on a daily basis. The key is to see and be seen, always photo-ready, of course. You'll have to give up food because, lets face it, you ain't gonna get the super-skinny physique required by eating. You'll need to work out, likely for hours every day, probably while wearing super-inappropriate outfits. Plastic surgery may be required, unless you naturally have a Barbie-like figure (only with bigger backside), a perfect nose, and a six-pack ab region. Teeth will need to be ground to stumps and replaced with veneers, and you'll have to commit to spending most of your waking hours getting tanned, plucked, and exfoliated. If you prefer lazing on the couch with a bot-, um, I mean glass of wine and a good book, perhaps you will want to forgo the celebrity route and just settle for being notorious.  More on how to achieve that status at a later date.

So, there you have it: part one in my handy-dandy guide to becoming a celebrity. If you are interested in knowing the rest of my secrets, you're going to have to pony up some cash. I promise you, if you do so, You'll Thank Me Later.

Party On!

One of the main functions of a L.S.G. is to make you envy, and aspire to, his or her glamorous, busy life style.  Evidently, parties play a huge role in the life of all L.S.G.s, so, in accordance with my new career, I'm going to share with you my own party planning and party attending tips.  Today's post will be about party attending, because, lets face it, that's really the easier of the two tasks and I'm not sure I'm up to writing about party planning just yet. After all, I'm still just a trainee.

The first, and most important, tip I can give you is to try and get one of the above fellows to be your date. Basically, if you do that, you can just pretty much ignore the rest of this post and go have a nice glass of wine while feeling smug about how much cooler you are than the rest of us.

If you are not successful in landing one of those guys, then you're going to have to put a little work into being a successful party guest, meaning you're going to have to actually decide on what to wear.  And, that can be a really big problem. First, you've got to decipher the invitation. Are you to dress formal, semi-formal, tea-partyesque, business casual, cruise casual, casual casual, or in some other made-up designated dress protocol? Once you've deciphered the code, or think you have, you need to pick the outfit. And the shoes, purse, jewelry, etc. Plus, you have to have a sweater or jacket to go with your outfit.  I recommend a stylist. Now, I personally have never used a stylist, but, that's what the other L.S.G.s all use, so I'm sure they know what they're talking about.  If a stylist is out of the question, you really can't go wrong with a basic little black dress.  Sure, you aren't going to stand out, but that's a good thing because the LAST thing you want to do is look better than your hostess. She made up the dress code with the idea that she would be the most appropriately dressed woman in the room.  Give her the win.  That way, when you have your own party, she will repay the favor. Unless she's Angelina Jolie.  In that case, no one is going to be looking at you anyway, so you could show up in a paper bag if you so desired.

Now that the what to wear issue has been decided, you actually have to attend the party. This is the next place where things could get dicey. You don't want to be too early, arriving before your hosts have finished their showers, but you don't want to be too late either.  That's just asking for trouble.  No one wants to be right in the middle of a juicy piece of gossip about you and have you pop into the door right before they get to the good part!  Also, if you get there too late, you might miss out on all of the really tasty snacks.

Another tip is to always be sure to bring a hostess gift, preferably a decent bottle of wine.  No one can ever have too many bottles of wine.  BTW - Two Buck Chuck?  Good for lounging on the sofa in your pajamas; not a good hostess gift. Don't give folks an excuse to ridicule you behind your back for being cheap.

Finally, be sure to bring your camera and take lots of photos of the people at the party.  This is especially important to do after they've had a few drinks. You never know when you're going to need blackmail material.

You'll Thank Me Later.

House Cleaning Tips

Since I am keen on starting my new career as a Lifestyle Guru (herein after known as L.S.G. Since I am important and busy now, I have to take shortcuts when they make sense.) in today's post, I will share my top ten however many I can think of house cleaning tips.  You will want to take notes, no doubt.  These tips are guaranteed to change your life.

Random picture of pickles since I don't have any pictures of clean houses to share

1) Dusting is not fun. It involves moving things and spraying stuff and tedious things like that.  It is much easier just to blow.  If you decide to follow this tip, however, be aware that if you do this repeatedly over a short period of time, it is possible that you might pass out.  If you start feeling light headed while removing dust in this manner, my suggestion is that you fix yourself a nice cold (or hot if it's winter) beverage, grab a magazine, and rest for a couple of hours.  Don't worry. The dust will still be there when you're ready to resume your efforts.

2) Replace all of your light colored flooring with darker materials.  I highly recommend going with a "dirt" colored linoleum or tile. It will save you hours of labor.  I had a white floor in my kitchen for years. I can't tell you how much easier my life has become since we replaced that floor.  On reflection, though, the new floor wasn't quite "dirt-colored" enough.  Next time, I'm taking a sample from the yard when I go floor shopping. I suggest you consider doing the same.

3) Along the same lines, get lint colored furniture. While you're at it, get towels, underwear, socks, etc. to match. Come to think of it, just replace everything you own so that it's all the same color. That way, life will be much easier. No more pink bras or trying to figure out if your socks are black or blue and if they even match. I'm thinking that I'm going to just run with this dirt color scheme.  Sure, it might get tedious, but the time this frees up will give me hours more to not sleep!

4) Become a Lifestyle Guru (oops, I just cost myself fifteen seconds.) I mean, become a L.S.G. like me and once the big bucks start flowing, just hire a maid. That's what I'm planning to do.

Think positively and buy (future advertising message to be inserted here so that I can become filthy rich).

You'll Thank Me Later.

How to Become a Lifestyle Guru in 10 (or so) Easy Steps

I have decided to become a lifestyle guru. Why, you might wonder? Well, first of all, I need to earn a big bucket of money and, apparently, lifestyle gurus rake it in. I mean, just look at Rachel Ray, Oprah, Martha Stewart, Sandra Lee....I could go on and on.  These women make serious bank.  I am not greedy; I just want a tiny little piece of their pie: a couple million or so oughtta do it.

In order to fulfill my ambition, I spent the past couple of hours researching. This involved major effort on my part, folks. I mean, I had to sit on the sofa, wrapped in a blanket (it's cold in my house), and click that stumble button repeatedly. My wrists are cramping and my rear end is actually getting numb. However, no one can say I'm not willing to sacrifice for my new career.

What I have learned is that I need a snazzy website with a clever name.As you can see, I have, I believe, totally nailed this part of the job. Also,  I need some pretty photographs of food, beautifully decorated rooms, artfully coordinated outfits, and some advertisers.  That last one is the easiest of these items to come by since I am not a particularly gourmet cook, have a questionable decorating style (eclectic? early/late modern junk?), and typically wear pretty much the same basic slacks and 3/4 length vee-neck tee outfits every day.  My photography skills are okay, but I'm still learning to use my new camera, so that might slow me down a wee bit. But, I figure that like pretty much every thing in life, I can "fake it 'til I make it" on the food, decorating, and fashion fronts.  That or steal liberally from others. Evidently, when in the Lifestyle Guru game, this is not only the norm, but the highest form of flattery. Citing your sources is pretty much all it takes to solve that little problem. Hey, I'm an English teacher. Source citing, I know.

Finally, I have to just go for it. Believe in myself. Believe and achieve. Seek success and it will seek me. Breathe in positive energy and success and breathe out the negative. After reading page after page of positive, success oriented affirmations, I'm nothing if not overconfident. That's important for us Life Style Gurus. We have to always preach the power of positive thinking and have a kick-butt, can-do attitude and tell our minions, er, I mean followers, how they, too, can be successful if they just want it bad enough and believe!

So there we are: 10 (or something like that...I didn't really keep count; but that's beside the point, folks!) easy steps to becoming a L.S.G.Now, you'll have to excuse me while I go warn my bank to be on the lookout for all that money that's fixing to come rolling my way.

You'll Thank Me Later.