For those of you who are interested in making yourself rich AND famous, today's post will be about how to become a celebrity. The good news, for me, anyway, is that to be famous one does not actually have to be good at anything. As near as I can tell, it is all about simply showing up at the right places, letting the paparazzi know you're going to be there, and posing for the camera. You do this enough times, get your name in the gossip and society columns enough, and you're on your way. Oh, and it helps to have a tiny dog in a purse, as well.
When showing up at events covered by the celebrity press, the pose is all important, so you will want to practice it in your full-length mirror until you have it mastered. As you can see from the photo, it involves jutting out one hip, putting hand on that hip, and looking back over your shoulder. There are variations, but, as with my L.S.G. gig, I'm still a trainee, so I'm taking things slowly. Besides, some of those poses look like they use muscles that I haven't quite developed yet. The last thing I need is a strained tensor fasciae latae. Speaking of lattes, if you are out and about during the day, it's vital that you carry around a giant Starbuck's cup. My guess is that this is a key component of celebrity-hood, second only to the "sex tape".
Yes, I went there. If you are really desperate and are willing to take a super short-cut, then a sex tape is an instant ticket to fame and forture. Just look at Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton. Overnight, they became super-celebrities and now they actually get paid to show up to parties and get married (and divorced just days later) and stuff! If, like me, you are more modest and just can't imagine going that route, don't despair! You can still have your dignity (sort of) and become a celebrity. It will just take a little longer and you may have to make other sacrifices to get there.
The most important thing to keep in mind is that you will have to, actually, leave your house and go mingle with others in a wide variety of settings, probably on a daily basis. The key is to see and be seen, always photo-ready, of course. You'll have to give up food because, lets face it, you ain't gonna get the super-skinny physique required by eating. You'll need to work out, likely for hours every day, probably while wearing super-inappropriate outfits. Plastic surgery may be required, unless you naturally have a Barbie-like figure (only with bigger backside), a perfect nose, and a six-pack ab region. Teeth will need to be ground to stumps and replaced with veneers, and you'll have to commit to spending most of your waking hours getting tanned, plucked, and exfoliated. If you prefer lazing on the couch with a bot-, um, I mean glass of wine and a good book, perhaps you will want to forgo the celebrity route and just settle for being notorious. More on how to achieve that status at a later date.
So, there you have it: part one in my handy-dandy guide to becoming a celebrity. If you are interested in knowing the rest of my secrets, you're going to have to pony up some cash. I promise you, if you do so, You'll Thank Me Later.